The Worst Part of All-Star Weekend
The All-Star Celebrity Game has recently been a real who’s who of who the fuck is this. I want to paint, for you a picture of what the All-Star Weekend Celebrity game could be, NO SHOULD BE.
The Rising stars challenge is an old west style shootout between exciting young prospects mixed with a little bit of Nationalism.
The Skills Challenge is an exciting fast paced obstacle course that has grown into a Guards VS Bigs Showdown making the Centers and Power-forwards that compete underdogs.
The 3 Point Shoot out should just be called the Houston Shuffle, we see it every time the Rockets play. It’s cool but not the reason people show up.
The Dunk Contest has always been the most intriguing part of this weekend…depending on who is participating. Zach Lavine and Aaron Gordon, communing with god oh fuck yes. Donovan Mitchell wearing a better dunkers jersey and Victor Oladipo wearing a Black Panther mask from Target, oh fuck no.
And the All-Star game is the reason for this whole weekend even if the new rules don’t make any sense.
This article is my attempt to Make the ALL-STAR WEEKEND CELEBRITY GAME on the level of these other events
…
but ill settle for just watchable
…
Welcome to
The Phifth Quarters
1st Annual
2020 All-Star Weekend: All-Star Celebrity Game:
But Good
My first change to this game is important, the coaches, players, announcers, and even the fans must take this serious, to ensure this I’ve installed a $100,000 prize to the winning teams coaches charity of choice, and a second 100,000 cash prize to the MVPs charity of choice.
Next full NBA length 4 quarters, fully enforced rules by a staff of NBA Refs along with Nick Kroll as Ref Jeff .
No Questions, good.
After that, we move on to the coaching or the least important part of the game right now, but one of the most overlooked parts of the SHOW. I say show because that’s what this really is, a show, It’s a Basketball game Populated with actors, lets stop using Justin Biebers ball handling skills as a selling point and start using his singing. “what’s this Justin brings up the ball and is he singing?” Mic’d up Justin sings out the play, the defense distracted by his siren song allows for a window for Justins team to score.
The point is use their strengths.
1st you need to establish a story, If the audience is asking themselves, why do I give a fuck about Dr. Oz and the tall bloke from Imagine Dragons pounding it out in the paint, you’ve already lost. Establish Coaches that have a relationship to one another.
COACHES
SHAQ vs CHARLES BARKLEY MAGIC vs BIRD
AI vs TY LUE Dwane Wade v Gabriel Union
STEPH CURRY vs DELL CURRY JORDAN vs LEBRON
Give the audience an easy to understand reason why Coach A wants to beat Coach B. Shaq, bullies Charles every day in TNT there’s your revenge of the nerds story.
Magic v Bird battled for years in the Boomer days there’s your reboot.
AI v TY LUE is a rivalry that is summed up in one Gif and the fact that Lue is an actual coach means the playing field has been flipped, a rags to riches story.
Steph and Dell is all oedipal.
Lebron v Jordan is generational, Boomer v Zoomer.
and Wade v Union presents a Romeo and Juliet style Celeb v Pro aspect that could be exciting/romantic. If their Gatorade commercial has any truth to it they are an aggressively competitive couple.
once your storyline is established you have to worry about the actual game part of the Celebrity game.
2nd establish an assistant coach to do the heavy lifting of the team drawing plays and making substitutions, with this spot we should put someone actually on a coaching staff or with coaching experience.
ASSISTANT COACHES (COACHES ACTIVE OR NOT)
BECKY HAMMON TYE LOU RYAN SAUNDERS TIM DUNCAN
LLOYD PIERCE LUKE WALTON DAVID FIZDALE METTA WORLD PEACE
Here are a few suggestions of assistant coaches, young coaches who haven’t established a league-wide presence yet, and former players recently turned coaches.
Finally, we’re moving on to the Celebrity part of this “Celebrity” game.
3rd Roster creation
Establish Celebrities that are, you know, actual celebrities, none of this social media influencer, meme lords, everyone is a celebrity if you go viral bullshit.
CELEBRITIES
Adam Sandler, man loves Basketball, watch any of his movies he puts a scene where he’s an above average basketball player. Grown-ups, Longest Yard, 8 crazy nights, and I’m counting Uncut Gems.
Drake, this guy has a finals ring from Torontos 2019 Championship time for him to prove he deserves it.
Woody Harrelson, “White man can’t Jump”, “Semi-pro”, so much has been said of Woody’s actual talent on the set of these movies, I gotta see if it’s true.
Quavo, 2018’s MVP will be needed to raise the talent of the celebrities in this game. we can’t have a situation where Ray Allen comes out here to shit on everyone because he’s still in game shape.
2 Chains, His album Rap or go to the League presents an interesting what if, why not take that further and play during All-Star weekend.
Melvin Gregg,(Look him up) with his performances in, “American Vandal”, “High Flying Bird”, and soon to be “The way back” he’s quickly establishing himself to casting agents as Actor who can play basketball. This event was made for him.
Lil Dicky, videos of this Rapper, Comedian, now Actor, playing ball at his local rec center surfaced a while back. So we know he’s not just a Sixers fan.
Will Smith, speaking of Sixers fans lets find out if Bel Air Highschools own can relive his glory days out on the court.
Post Malone, give him one game to prove he is the white Iveson he claims to be.
There are probably so many more I’m just not thinking of, I know, I can hear you screaming at your computer how I’m very stupid. I agree.
Moving on.
This game has always had “NBA LEGENDS” on the teams and I’ve always seen that as a cop-out. When was the last time you said hey, I’m going down to the Y to watch my Grandpa play 5 on 5 with his war buddies?
NOT QUITE ON THE LEVEL OF ZACH LAVINE KISSING, THE SKY IS IT?
I’ve decided to take their roster spots and donate them to BALLERS IN NEED, replacing them with the best players of the Big 3 league this season
BIG 3 LEAGUE
Joe Johnson Amar’e Stoudemire Brandon Rush Reggie Evans
Mike Bibby Gilbert Arenas Stephen Jackson etc.
These are guys still in game shape, some looking for a way back into the league and what’s a better stage than All-star weekend. some are just great NBA personalities that would shine on this stage making for a fantastic show.
Something I want to keep the same is The representation of WNBA talent in this game.
WNBA ALL-STARS
Elena Delle Donne Erica Wheeler Aja Wilson Liz Cambage etc.
…to name just a few, but the more that want to participate the better, we need every Man in his 20-40 not in the NBA to understand that every single WNBA player would body them. So let’s get Posty (Post Malone) one on one with Delle Donne and just see what the fuck happens.
POLITICIANS
Obama Andrew Yang Corey Booker Ted Cruz
I desperately want to see Ted get his ankles broken by Erica Wheeler on national TV. Can Andrew Yang be president no not anymore, but more importantly can he throw dimes to Amar’e on the break? Not sure but I’m excited to find out!
DUAL SPORT ATHLETES
The all-time most talked about MVP of this game has to be Terrell Owens, people freaked out over the fact that this athlete in peak physical shape, that was great at running jumping and catching, FOR FOOTBALL, could also run jump and catch very well for other sports too. personally he was the only good part of this event during my childhood so why not keep the tradition alive. I choose two football men because I don’t know if Jeff Gordon likes Basketball let alone knows how to play it. If you know Jeff please let me know if he does or can.
ps. the Journalist in the Jimmy Graham video is amazing. from her “You guys are so short… not” joke to her hard-hitting questions of “why are free throws hard?” what a delight.
Thank you for sticking around for this terribly drawn-out article on how to make the NBAs worst All-Star weekend event a little bit better.
Call me Adam!
If you would like to share your Perfect Celebrity game with us just tweet @ThePhifthQ
and feel free to use anyone you can think of you’re certainly are not confined to the small sample size I’ve provided in this article.
Tweet @ThePhifthQ your
Coach v Coach
1Celebrity
1Big 3
1Politician
1WNBA Player
1Dual-sport Wildcard
with the hashtag
#ThePhifthQuarters1stAnnual2020AllStarWeekendAllStarCelebrityGameButGood
or
#PhifthQCelebGame
Mine is:
AI v Ty Lue
Woody Harrelson
Amar’e Stoudemire
Ted Cruz
Erica Wheeler
Aaron Rodgers
#ThePhifthQuarters1stAnnual2020AllStarWeekendAllStarCelebrityGameButGood
