The 76ers Are Humongous
After failing to run it back due to the cowardice of JJ Redick and Jimmy Butler, the Sixers were forced to make the best out of a bad situation. They had money to spend, but few realistic options in a star studded free agent class, so they did what any logical team would do and threw all their money at the biggest guys available so they can bully the entire NBA.
The new look Sixers starting five of Ben Simmons, Josh Richardson, Tobias Harris, Al Hoford, and Joel Embiid is nonsense in the best way. It’s basically a small forward, two power forwards, and two centers.
Between the five of them, the lineup’s average height and weight is about 6’7 233lbs with the smallest player being Richardson at 6’6 200lb. The league average height and weight for a player is 6’7 219lbs. Basically, this means it’s going to be damn near impossible to create size mismatches against the Sixers.
The Sixers are so big they’d make Thanos and Frankenstein say, “Whoa, those guys are pretty big.”
If the entire lineup were to stand on each other’s shoulders, they’d measure in at about 33ft 9in. That’s the height of about five NBA regulation nets. If the Sixers were ever to create a human totem pole – a la Malcolm in the Middle – it would be the greatest defense the league had ever seen. The future is now.
In terms of weight, the Sixers starting five comes in at a combined 1,165lbs. That’s over a half ton and only a few hundred pounds lighter than the world’s largest ton foil ball. Pretty crazy, right?
But it’s not just the starting lineup that’s insanely ginormous. The Sixers’ bench can match almost all of their starters’ size. Excluding Raul Neto, because he’s really really small and easily ignored, Zhaire Smith is the smallest player on the team at 6’4 199lb with the shortest arms at 6’10. So, just to reiterate:
ZHAIRE SMITH HAS THE SHORTEST ARMS ON THE SIXERS WITH A 6’10 WINGSPAN!*
(*excluding Neto because he’s so small and I’d rather ignore him)
The Sixers also have Christ Koumadje, an undrafted center who measures in at 7’4 269lbs, but now I just feel like I’m bragging.
Not only do the Sixers have the biggest starting five in the east, but it’s easily the best. The only thing bigger than this team is their talent. They’re an early favorite to win the east, but may be able to go even farther than that.
With the Warriors injured and disbanded, the NBA needs a new bully. Why not the biggest kids in school?
The league better start packing an extra sandwich because the Sixers are coming for their lunch money.
